My life!!

I was born on December 12, 1977 to Cary Glenn Palmertree and Paulette Langham Palmertree at Tupelo hospital in Tupelo, MS! I don't have any memories of mom and dad being together as husband and wife cause in less than 6 months after my birth they divorced! He's been married several times and she's never remarried! Earliest remembrance was dad lived on Bryan dr in Tupelo, Ms and mom lived in Sherman, Ms not sure the road name! My childhood was split between the two of them and most of the time when mom wasn't working I was either with her at someone's house while she drank and partied or I was with dad and his wife and her kid! If I wasn't with either of them I was with family friends The Hudson's! Martha and Tommy! Then sometimes mom would take me to see my grandmother and I'd stay with her while she went out! Don't remember much more than that until I was about 8 yrs old I'd say and I had a hard time with wetting the bed cause I was a hard sleeper! That's when the abuse started with my dad he'd come into my room and change this diaper thing that beeped until someone cut it off, detail if this abuse is in an earlier blog I care not to retell it! Lets just say it went on for many years! My stepmom at the time Emily caught him red handed one Saturday morning and instead of snatching me up and getting me out of there she snatched her son up and got him out of there! To this day I truly don't know why! She did reach out to me a few years ago and told me it was because she was scared for Neil's life! My question then and now is why didn't you take me? I may never know the answer to this question! And that's ok! Soon after she left she took dads bed and he was sleeping on a bunk bed that was in Neil's room and he told me to sleep in there and he wanted my bed! I thought since he got caught and she left he would stop well it never did! He blamed me and my brother for her leaving, he blamed me for him abusing me and sometimes I think he might of told my brother to abuse me! Cause soon after that I was forced to do things with my brother like suck his dick! Then I would be made to shower with my dad if we was home alone! During this time when mom would be at Mavis' house partying with everyone and then sometimes when mom would work weekends or during the week during summer Mavis kept me and she would make me sleep with her bad touch her between her legs! All this time I'd already told my mother and she never believed me! She made me stay there In that house until school got out the following year! That was 1991, I then had to take summer school cause I failed a math! So I took summer school to be able to go into the 7th grade! 1992 she finally took me away so to speak of from the abuse! She still forced me off on who ever would keep me and that this point she's already had another child by another man back in 1989 and when I moved in with her I took on the responsibility of taking care of my little sister!! No matter where I went she had to go! My sister was so mad that she couldn't go with me to my senior prom that she pouted the whole time and waited up on me until I came home! I was like a mother to her and I was just a kid myself! Mom still made me go spend weeks with dad by this time he has a new wife and starts drinking heavily and I think the abuse stopped for a while but I do remember having to play doctor when they was trying to sell his new wife's house and he would make me go with him to mow the grass on weekends then play doctor and nurse afterwards that when I got started heavily in baseball cards cause he would bribe me into sucking is dick for baseball cards! This time I didn't bother telling my mother she wouldn't have cared anyway so instead I told my best friend my grandmother Pauline Nelson Langham she told me she couldn't say nothing because it wouldn't mean much unless my mother did it! And she knew my mother wasn't going to do it cause that would mean her losing child support! So I finished school in Water Valley with my mom! At some point my mother caught my brother in bed with me! I vaguely remember at the time we had to sleep on bunk beds cause the house was small and he was on top and I was on bottom and she caught him making me suck his dick she told him that's not what brothers and sisters do and made him sleep on couch from then on! Then she moved his bed to where the dining room used to be and that's where he had to sleep! It didn't stop there it kept going! So as you see my childhood is a fucked up mess! After I graduated high school I went to college at Northwest in Senatobia and stayed on campus just to see what it would be like one day being away from mom! That's where I met my first girlfriend and had my first female experience! That's also where I had my first male encounter other than my father and brother! I was torn at the time cause back in high school I had sex with a guy that I had a crush on one time but it wasn't like all out sex! And I'd kissed my first girl one summer and I liked! I'd daydream about being with her forever then she moved away and I never saw her again! Sadly I think she lost her life at an early age to drunk driving I'm not positive but I think I heard that!  After my encounter in college I was more drawn to a woman than a man but I still tried to find a man just because I knew that's what it was suppose to be! I didn't want to hurt my family by being a lesbian but now that I think about it maybe that's who I really am! After northwest I went on to ole miss and my grandmother started going down here pretty quick then! I was the only one that could pick her up dead weight cause she wasn't able to move much! Then in April of 2001 I lost her and it's a day that I'll never forget! A day that I felt I lost my mother figure the one that tried her best to teach me right from wrong, the one that tried to teach me the things my mother should of taught me! The only one that I felt was trying to teach me love and that love was real and it was ok to love bad that she wasn't gonna hurt me like others that supposedly loved me! I miss her until this day and I miss her saying Christy be all you can be and you will go far in life! Never lose hope of your dreams! Sadly after she passed I quit college cause I had missed so much time that I couldn't concentrate anymore! Sadly I never finished what I started and sadly I was never a quitter but losing her was hard!  August of 2001 my mom and I had a huge fight and she told me to pack my shit and go live with my fucking father cause I was so far up his ass that I couldn't see two feet in front of me! That hurt me but I knew it was her way Of getting me out of her hair so she would truly have the two kids she always wanted my brother and sister! It still hurts to know that my own mother kicked me out but has never once told my brother or sister to ever pack their shit and leave! I went several months where I didn't say not one word to her! And our relationship is kind of estranged still to this day! In Jan 2002 I met Corey after having broke up with a drunkard! I sent Corey a message on love@aol now called match.com we talked and started dating officially in the end of Jan. Sometime around September or October my stepmom Carol kicked me out of the house that her and dad live in! When mom kicked me out I had no where to go but to live with them! Then when carol kicked me out my only options was going back to moms and I knew I didn't want that and I knew she didn't either cause she would say I ain't got the room! Or moving in with Corey! He told me he wasn't allowing me to go move in with her that I could live with him! He was scared to tell his parents but he finally did and his poor mother thought he was gonna tell her I was pregnant and we wasn't married yet! In October of 2002 he asked me to marry him after he did what he was taught to do ask my father could he have my hand in marriage! In September of 2002 my brother married my best friend from high school Rhonda Meeks in Gaitlinburg, TN my dad and stepmom was invited but didn't show and I think that hurt my brother cause his father wasn't there for his special day! On December 6, 2002 I married Corey and as bad as I hated my dad for all he had done from abuse to allowing carol to kick me out I asked him to walk me down the aisle! He did but it wasn't a happy moment for me it was more of a sad moment cause the pain he caused me I was now being give away for good from my mother and father! I truly believe it was the happiest day of their lives! I was no longer their responsibility and I would no longer need them! I truly think my mother was happier than I was cause finally she's pushed me off on the last person! From that day forward I truly don't have much of a relationship with either! Yea I've tried my damnest to prove to them that I'm worthy and to prove to them that I'm their daughter but really all I was doing was begging for love! In 2006 or 2007 I met my first real girlfriend! Missy Tackett she still to this day has about of my heart a little piece! I'll always love her and some days I feel like I should of left Corey then and been with her! But she wasn't ready to come out to the world and I did truly love Corey! After her and I broke up I had a few flings here and there and 4 years ago this jan I finally admitted to my stepmom Carol who is my best friend that my dad molested me and so did my brother! My dad still denies it! 3 yrs ago the 14 of this month Corey and I almost divorced! We split I had to leave so I went to live with dad and carol until I could get my own place! After agreeing to marriage counseling and making his brother get out of our house we've made it work! It's been almost 4 years since I was last with a female sexually! Yea I've kissed a couple but that's it! I'm trying my best to make this marriage work cause for the third time in my life I've felt what love really is! This man really loves me and I can honestly say I really love him! I might flirt and I might slide once in a while but I'll never be able to full leave this man unless that's what he wants! He'll be the one to end it this time! Thru out this story of my life you might of seen something! I never had a mother daughter relationship like most, I never had a father daughter relationship like most! I've been jealous of others that's had kids and I couldn't! And it hurts to know that my husband has to rely on his brothers kids to carry on the family name! Sadly he's never gonna get a chance to be a father like his dad was to him! Sadly I'll never be able to give the love to a child that I never had and do things with that child that I never got to do! Instead I get to save dogs from shelters and I get the unconditional love and a love that never is weary! The one that knows when I'm sad and wants to lick my face and the one that knows when I'm depressed and will do the funniest things to make me smile and laugh! That's the love I get to show! But I thank God daily that I'm still here! In 1992 I slight my wrist in the bathroom at the jr high the school nurse bandaged me up and sent me back to class! I lied and said I'd fallen on the rocks outside! In 2001 I took a lot of pills luckily all it did was make me throw up and sleep! Just two months ago I planned it out and I had the gun ready locked and loaded in my mouth when The Lord told me to pick up my bible! He's saved me 3 times vas eased my mind countless times! I question why but he never answers and then I think it's cause I'm here to help others and help others get the help they need seek out the help that I sought out!! Then I think it's cause I know I want end up in heaven and see my family that's gone on before me if I do that! I'm here for a purpose and I truly believe now my purpose is to save another person and save one life that might wanna end it! I've learned a lot in the past 3 or 4 months of counseling that I'll take with me forever! Life is too precious to waste it and kill myself! Through all my trails I've found out who my true family and friends are! I've found out the ones that's truly cared enough to pick up the phone and call me, the text me to email me and say are you ok really ok? Sadly my birthday came avid went and my mother never once called or texted but she did post it on Facebook! It hurt it cut deep cause you know I know she called my brother and she told me sister! My sister boasted about the card she got for her birthday I didn't get nothing but a wall post on Facebook! It's sad that the woman that had me hates me so much that from an early age she pushed me away and still does! Judgement day will come and as we all stand before the throne of grace and look up at The Lord and he says to me Christy welcome my child and he holds me and tells me he's proud of me it'll be the best day in my life! Along with when he looks at my father and he says you denied the fact that what you done to her in front of me and your friends so I'm denying you access to heaven! Sad as I hate to say this I'm not sure if all the bible readings, all the religious shows all the talk about God that he's doing now will grant him his place in heaven! And when my mother stands before him and he tells her you didn't believe because the money, booze, drugs and men was before your child I'm not granting you access only way I think she will make it is if she accepts The Lord on her death bed! That's gonna be her only saving grace! I will always love them both not cause I want too but because they are my mother and father no matter what they are what made me possible to be here! Sadly I wish The Lord would of given me to someone better but I didn't get many years with the woman that truly loved me! With out a doubt she's loved me thru it all! As I close this blog I'm finally coming out to the world as a bisexual female! It's always gonna be with me and I'll always love the touch of another female! I hope when I tell my world via Facebook that they all will be supportive and they will not run like others have but you know what I've asked for forgiveness from every sin I've committed and my claiming to be bisexual is just myself affirming that it's who I am deep inside! The child within me loves females and is a lesbian but the woman I am loves Corey and likes females too and it's because the motherly figure left me and I long for that still! 

May I rest now in the fact that my story is public may it be read by someone and they see I'm real and may they see that The Lord is real and he is my God, My Lord, and My Savior!! Im a survivor of child sexual abuse!