End of 2015

This year has been a year of ups, downs and sideways! I've lost some friends, gained some friends and even fell in love! God granted a wish that I've prayed for, for many of years! To allow my brother and sister in law have a baby because I couldn't! He did, April 9 she was born! She wanted to scare us all by doing ballerina tricks in her momma's tummy and wrap her cord around her neck! But sbhe was healthy and we was proud of her! She's growing so fast that I feel like at times the next time I see her she will be running around! But who knows! I've lost a few friends and some I'm sad about some I'm not so sad about! But losing friends sometimes is a good thing because it just goes to show that they wasn't meant to be! But it does hurt! It hurts to know that I've shared a few things with these so called friends and they let one little thing ruin it! I also fell in love with a woman! I thought after missy I'd never find one that I could fall in love with! She's so much more than anyone else is! She makes my life so much a better place! I can't see life without her and her kids in it! But I know one day her Prince Charming will come around and I want be her girlfriend anymore! But until that day comes I'll love her and prove to her I love her in every way I can!

I've got lots of things to think about and work on in 2016! One being myself! I gotta find myself again! I gotta quit thinking everything is about me! Quit thinking that when other show emotions that they are toward me! I gotta learn to let others have emotions!! I got to quit making others feel like they have to love me! 

All my life all I've known is to run from my problems and hide my feelings! And now that I wear my feelings on my sleeve it hurts because my hopes get crashed, my feelings get hurt, my world gets turned upside down!! All I've ever wanted was for some one to love me for me, show me love, and teach me love! Corey has taught me that love is just a word, over the years he has shown me that love is what money can buy! When I told Her that if somethings ever happened to me and Corey she would be the one that I'd want to be with, what she said in return kind of let me know that she loves me, but she's not in love with me and probably will never be in love with me! I've gotta learn to accept that! I gotta learn to accept that I'm not her knight in shining armor and never will I be the one that she will be truly happy with! I keep telling myself that I'm a dumbass for doing this! I'm a shit head for falling in love with someone that will never be happy with just me! She said she has nothing to offer! She said she sees that's Corey can take me out on the town and she wouldn't ever be able too! But when I tell her that she has more to offer than she thinks she doesn't believe me! I failed again! I fucked up again! 

To end 2015 i think I'll take a bottle of crown and drink the whole thing while I'm stuck in my room and then sleep until I don't know when! Or maybe I'll just drive away and never look back! Maybe I'll just take my gun and blow my brains out! Who knows! Fuck it!