Long time gone

Writing this tonight hurts more than any other blog I've written! Physically, mentally and emotionally! Suicide awareness week day month year what ever you wanna call it! I'm a survivor in more ways than you might know my first attempt was in 7th grade when I was being called, fat ugly, 2x4, and other words! I cut my wrist in hopes of a quick easy death to get away from the pain and bullying! It didn't work that way I saw the blood and like most I freaked out! I washed my arm and wrapped it in toilet paper and applied pressure to make it stop! Luckily, I wasn't smart enough to know where to cut because the place I cut wasn't the right spot! The second time I tried was right after I confronted my dad about molesting me in front of my stepmom! I was hurt, I was willing to crash anyone and everyone in my path! I took a hand full of pills but I didn't take the right kind because all these did was make me sleep! No one knows what a person has gone through, is going through to cause them to think they aren't worth living! The thoughts cross my mind more than I want to admit! Every time I've attempted I never told anyone 1 because when you reach the end you don't want anyone talking you out of it, 2. I felt as if, if I was gone then everyone would be happy, not thinking of others but thinking of myself! 3. When I'm gone I wouldn't hurt anymore, i wouldn't be stuck in a room with no light anymore! No matter what others think when a depressed person is down they are down! There's no magical cure, no magic pill, no magic healing can take place! Crying is a release as well as feelings of suicide! Until you walk in a persons shoes that's stuck in a hole with no light, no life and daily struggles to try and stay alive then don't judge that person, don't talk about that person and lastly don't ever tell that person to snap out of it! There's no snapping out of it, no shaking it off and no just walking away! It's not that easy, daily I struggle to get up, I do though as my day progresses on I feel a weight pulling me down and making me feel lost, hopeless, helpless and defeated! Depression is an illness that has no cure, alcohol numbs the pain, drugs numbs the pain but when your not drunk, drugged the pain can be so unbearable that death is your only avenue! This week I'm living proof that suicide could of been the answer because yea I've thought about it, I've wanted nothing more than to just end it, I wanted to do it in a way that I wouldn't hurt not one second! I wanted it to end quickly and shooting myself is the easiest way! I'd never do it to where anyone would have to see the remains and be reminded daily I'd do it somewhere that wouldn't be noticed! Talking with my awesome counselor today I told her I'm ready to give up, she told me that so many are pulling for me, cheering me on! I know they are but the giving up feeling is greater than the feeling of being loved at times! Giving up is easier for someone like me that their past is a vast resemblance of the future! Pain, sadness, hopelessness, feeling of not wanted has been my past and as I type this at times I think it's my future too! I love you all and please don't be the next victim of this depression crime! Live through my story of survival and love yourself and respect yourself to not put your family through the pain of remembering you this way! Suicide is easy for you but hell for others! Depression is hell for you but easy for others! If your depressed please seek help, if your suicidal please seek help! If you know someone that's attempted, thought, spoke or hinted then please reach out to them! Because you never know what a person truly feels behind that fake smile, behind those bright eyes! I've faked my smile for so long it hurts to actually smile for real! I've hide my pain for so long that others think I'm faking when I'm being honest! Faking is like suicide easy to do! No one knows so no one understands! You are the only answer to life's problems! Your life is yours to live but try and live it with a real smile, a real answer! I love you!