Do you know me?

Do you know who I am? I'm a child abuse survivor! It's taken me over 20yrs to come to terms with and be able to honestly say that I have survived! No I'm not healed but I'm on the road to healing! As I lay here at night just waiting for sleeping meds to work just so I can sleep a little bit nightmare free! Do you know how hard it is to be awakened by the site and sounds of your father entering the room? Do you know how terrifying it is to feel your husband rubbing your leg while he's sleeping? Do you know how many times I've had to get up and check to make sure all the doors are locked and dead bolted? Do you understand? Some say they do! Do they really? Over the past week I've had some built up aggressions and I've come really close to going over to his house and ripping all the things I've done for him in his honor of his time in Vietnam and try to welcome him home! Ripping it off the wall and throwing it out the back door shattering all my hard work all my time all my effort and all the money I've spent and all the smiles he's smiled when I gave it to him! As I deal with all this anger and all this pain I feel like slapping the hell out of him and making him pay for all he's done! He's not the only one either I'd like to make my brother pay too but at least unlike my dad my brother has admitted his wrongs and asked me to please forgive him and I did! It took awhile to do it but I asked God to guide me and to weigh it on my brother to ask for forgiveness from God and God told me he had with that conformation I was able to forgive him! I've asked the same for my father and he's ran from The Lord so much that he's not sure which was is up! He thinks by watching religious shows and stuff like that he's doing what is right! All these years I've tried my best to prove myself to him and my mom just so they would love me like they love others all the things I did in his honor I sometimes think back and say you stupid bitch why did you do that! I wasted my life proving to others that I'm worthy and never once put myself first! I've always been the fat kid, I've always been the loner, I've always been told I was stupid! One time I failed a math test and my dad told me I'd never graduate high school cause I was stupid! My mom told me that I wasn't ever gonna do anything in my life cause I expected everything to be handed to me on a silver platter! So you see you probably don't know me and you probably don't understand the daily struggle I go thru the daily fight! I might not ever fully understand  why they did what they did! But I do know now that it's defined who I am for almost 30 yrs and it's time that I take a stand and help others get out of the hole they might be in! Child abuse happens when you might think that they have the perfect family! At the time mine started I didn't think my family life was bad! Dad was working, Emily was working us kids had a house and food on table what more could a kid ask for! Mom was working and partying and whatever else she could do with child support other than spend it on me and brother! She did provide a roof although we moved from house to house and she provided food if it wasn't anything but hamburger helper! But what is lost is that love was never shown and compassion was lacking! Mom cared more about going to bar and drinking and dad cared more about making his wife happy and her kids! So do you really know me! I'm sure if anyone reading this has found a few things you didn't know and by the way I graduated high school in May of 1997 and I had a full time job my whole senior year just to help my mother pay the bills! In august of 1997 I started at a junior college living on campus and first time away from my family! I didn't know what I wanted to be and at the time didn't really care as long as I proved to my dad and mom that I could do it! In 2000 I enrolled at Ole Miss in 2001 I dropped out because my grandmother was badly sick and I needed to try my best to take care of her in April 2001 I lost her and the day she was buried I lost my best friend and the only mother I had! In May or June of 2001 my mom and I got into a fight and she told me to pack my shit and go live with my dad cause I was just like him! So I did! In dec 2002 I married Corey! Yea my mom and dad was both there but I don't think I truly loved Corey at the time! I think I viewed it as away out! Also before we got married my stepmom kicked me out of their house I resented my dad for not taking up for me and standing up against her but it all worked out and I can honestly say I love him dearly but over the years I've treated him like shit cause of my abuse I've caused him heartache and pain and I took out my aggressions on him! When I never should of! Looking back I'm amazed he's still with me and I told him that just the other day I said Corey I don't deserve you I don't know why you stuck it out! And I said I didn't love you at first but I saw you as a way out of my life so to speak! I know that hurt him and I know that he's still hurting cause we aren't as close as we once was! The thing is that I'm working on me and I've asked him to work on him! I honestly love this man I really do! It would kill me if he told me to leave! So do you know me? Did you know all that? Well how about this? I've tried to commit suicide 3 times! First time was in 1990 a year after my sister was born I wasn't the baby anymore and I didn't like it so I started cutting and then when I didn't get the release I wanted I took a whole bottle of aleve luckily all it did was make me sick and had the runs! The next time was 2001 June 16 2 months after my grandmother died and around the time my mom told me to leave! I started drinking crown royal, mad dog 20/20, shooting vodka, and took two lortabs, 2 xanaxs and luckily the good lord saved me once again! He made me sick as hell and I said then I wouldn't do it again! Well in 2009 I tried one last time! I took a hand full of lortabs 15 to be exacted all it did was make me really high and really sleepy! Next day I woke up with a headache and I thanked the lord for saving me one more time! Yes since then I've thought about it! I've planned it and I almost went thru with it! Luckily The Lord intervened again and stopped me! So yes I'm here for a reason I truly don't know why but he's got plans for me! I wish at times I knew why he kept me here but I can't honestly think of a reason! So do you know me? Do you truly understand? Have you ever felt so alone in a crowd of people that you don't know if your standing with 1 other person or 1000 other people! Have you ever given up and didn't care anymore about your life? Well I have and yes it's when I've hit rock bottom sadly one time when I hit rock bottom I was raging like a bull in a china shop! I was willing to take everybody down with me no questions asked! Another time I picked up a knife cause my brother in law got in my face and called me a bitch! I didn't point it or cut him but I did pick it up and said don't make me use this! Another time was about a month ago I felt like I was climbing but there was no way out! So now you know my story and my whole purpose of this blog was to tell you that if you've been raped, molested or anything please seek help! Don't take your life! It's not worth it cause the abuser or abuser's will get what they wanted! The suicide hotline is very helpful I've used it a few times they will do all in there will power to help you or get you help! Never give up the fight and don't back down!