Beautiful day

As I sit in my truck basking in the sun, watching all the ppl fish on the banks of Grenada lake spillway! Its a beautiful day and im sure the fish are a plenty but when you can't walk down the rocks and your husband is upset Cause you can't then its better to just sit here and ppl watch! I feel like im a helpless person and can't enjoy something I've always enjoyed! Then when I find a place to sit and try to fish I get jumped on by my husband cause I got hung on a rock! He said God bless I guess ill never get to fish cause im constantly tying hooks on! But when he got hung up 20 times before that it was OK! I just don't get it! So I said why are you pissed at me it ain't my fault and what about all the times you was hung up! I just don't get it! Really! So I guess this whole ordeal is a changing and learning process! I don't know any other way of putting it! Not sure he'll ever be able to accept me for me! I guess the pain, anger and pain is so much and thick that its almost unbeatable! But im carrying on! And as the blog earlier said im obsessed with women but I haven't been with one in a long while and I need a woman to satisfy me when hell if that's the case I'd be a lesbian and not trying to save my dying marriage! Never will I full understand ppl and never will I fully
Understand how ppls minds work! Maybe I should of studied phycology! Hmmm Maybe then I'd understand! Well blog off to fibs Corey

Days gone by

As I search for things to say and words to write I see the vivid memories of days gone by! I See us looking thru those cards and couldn't wait until we got in the truck to open them we where like kids in a candy store! All this comes from something I found tonight! Now mind you I might be wrong but it sure sounded like someone I know that once told me over and over and over you'll be the first one to know if I decide to ever sell them! I was looking on Craigslist for baseball cards cause im always Looking for someone selling some at a good deal! This ad said card collection - $350 smithville there's only One person I know in that town That has what the description described! It made my mind flood with memories of us looking thru cards, laughing and talking about them! Even trying to talk the other out of cards! It hurt cause I've always told this person I'd buy them from her if she'd sell them to me! I guess its probably a pay back for me and her fighting! I hope that if she does sell them that she's truly happy! Cause there's lots more than just memories in why I want them! There's hours of sorting thru them, players I like and different things like that! I truly don't understand how anyone could do that but I guess I may never know! I've Never once put my collection up for sale if we've had a disagreement! I hope she might have a slight change of heart but if not then I guess im screwed out of all that time I spent with that collection! Life must go on and I must put those memories in a box and hide them! For the love of baseball card collecting and the hours spent im asking you if your reading this please consider selling them to me like we've talked about many times before!

Can't delete you blog

I just can't seem to hit the delete button! But I guess it's cause if I did then I'd have no Where to vent! I'd have no where to say how I feel!
The last couple of days I think was a test of my ability to move on and leave things in the past that truly belong there! Yes I might of said somethings that hurt but ya know things was said to me to cut me deep! Things that the person That said it would hurt me! That person s lucky I didn't take what they said to heart and truly kill myself like the Thought that crossed my mind! I hope This person enjoys life and can move on with out me in their life! Its been a rough time for me since Dec 14 and I can't Keep going! Either you stand beside me encouraging me or you turn ur back on me and walk away! Your loss not mine! I was trying to be as polite with this person when I asked them to help me cut all ties with them so I could work on my marriage! No instead they emailed me, called me AND texted me everyday! Im someone that if your doing all that im gonna respond and When I do I get attached again and can't let it go! I guess this person just wanted it to end on a bad note! But ill say this much I think itll be for the best for us both! Im tired of feeling watched, and gotta account for every second of every day! Only one person should know that and he ain't on earth! But I guess its OK to be obsessed with Godly things but supposedly im obsessed with women! Wow! If that's the case I wouldn't be spending my energy or time trying to save my marriage! Ain't nothing in this world I feel that im obsessed with! But believe what you want and say what you want Cause I truly don't care! But blog ya know time to move on! And as I move forward on this thing called life im finding out VERY QUICKLY who is true and Who puts on a good show! Blog I most go now my eyes are crossing! Peace! Oh and if the one reads this please do not contact me ever again Thank you!

Blog its time to shut you down

You've been my greatest venting post, you've stood and took my beatings! But it looks like its time to shut you down! Too many people read too much into what I say here! But you know blog you and I have Been thru some pretty rough times!  Im Sorry That I must let you go! But good bye blog! To the ones that read it hope you know Some of you was the reason im deleting it! My thoughts, feelings and words are more than Some of you need! So to the one that caused this I hope your happy! Peace blog your about to be gone but surly not forgotten

Times are changing

Well brody is gone, didn't change much cause on Sunday we had a big fight! I Was called lazy and a lair! Was told I probably lied to the disability people and paid my doctor to take me off work! Yelp all by The man that wants to work on things! I just saw he's been telling his family what I told him the counselor told me! Which was to go to behavioral health! Well blog im dragging my feet a little I guess cause I don't wanna admit im ready to admit I got a problem! But I know I do just gotta go! Ugh! I need meds or something to help me! Im not sure what! But him telling me that I don't know what love is and I don't know how to be loved that hurts! Cause I didn't have a father and my Mother didn't give a shit either! But she blamed my father for me being the way I am and blamed me for him molesting me! Said that I probably made him do it! Hell I didn't know what the hell he was doing! Shit I was young! But I guess my childhood has fucked me up good! But im gonna call behavioral health on Thursday! I gotta get help! Im having more and more episodes of suicide! If it wasn't for my stepmother and some really great friends I wouldn't be here today! I'd already killed myself! Its crossed my mind a few times last couple of days! But I guess ill just keep hitting brick walls until I break my hand! I guess anger is my biggest problem! I don't know how to control it! But blog im gonna get help! On to next subject!
My feelings where so hurt that I literally wanted to cry the other day! A person that I've known for almost 9 yrs and I Thought was a great friend walked right passed me and never spoke! I've been her shoulder many times and I've listened to her many times! For her to do that just really broke my heart! I guess its part of his master plan to show me the ones that are faking and the ones that are true! I guess I truly need to move on and if my marriage ends there's Gonna be a lot of ppl that ill be deleting out of my life! But blog I need to end this now I gotta hair appt in am! Good night world!

Loss of two very special customers.

Robert B. (Bob) Caldwell, 69, died Thursday, January 5, 2011 at the North MS Medical Center after a sudden illness. He was born November 23, 1942 in Columbus to Albert Percy and Mary Josephine Bland Caldwell. He was a graduate of S.D. Lee High school in Columbus, MS and attended MSU and USM majoring in Business Administration. He retired from the MS Army National Guard after 38 years of service as a Maintenance Test Pilot. Following retirement from the military, he continued working as a pilot for The “Hospital Wing” air ambulance service in Memphis. He transferred back to Tupelo working as a pilot for “Care Flight” air ambulance services for 5 years with North MS Medical Center. Robert was a cancer survivor and cherished every day. He was an avid hunter and fisherman and was president of Tallulah Hunting Club north of Vicksburg. He was a member of the 100th Bomb Group Foundation, a charter member of the MOAA and served on the Board of Directors for the Mississippi Chapter of the 8th Air Force Historical Society. He loved to travel and cherished his friends and family. He was a member of Calvary Baptist Church and Norris “Piggie” Caldwell’s Sunday school class. He will be missed more than words can say.

Services will be 3 PM Sunday at Calvary Baptist Church with Dr. David Aldridge officiating. Burial with full Military Honors will be in Lee Memorial Park.

Survivors include his wife of 50 years, Adrian Leist Caldwell of Tupelo; two sons, Robert B. Caldwell, Jr. (Laura) of Green Cove Springs, FL and Stan M. Caldwell (Ranae) of Tupelo; two sisters, Shirley Seals (Dwanton) of Ponte Vedra Beach, FL and Margery Grammer of Spring, TX; three brothers, Albert Caldwell (Jean of Dickinson, TX, Richard Caldwell (Nancy) of Memphis, TN and Rudy Caldwell (Lee) of Tupelo; three grandchildren, Taylor Caldwell, Haley Caldwell and Gracie Caldwell; numerous nieces and nephews.

Pallbearers will be members of the MS Army National Guard. Honorary Pallbearers will be Kevin Caldwell, Stan Caldwell, Rudy Caldwell, Jr., Frank Caldwell, Russell Caldwell and Allen Seals.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to The Wounded Warrior Project or the Calvary Baptist Church Building Fund.

Visitation will be 4 – 7 Saturday at Calvary Baptist Church.

Evelyn Homan Duncan, 85, died Thursday, January 12, 2012, at The
Sanctuary Hospice House after an extended illness.

She was born December 20, 1926, in Gunnison, the daughter of B.W. and Ethelene Homan. She has been a resident of Tupelo since February of 1936, and graduated from Tupelo High School. She also completed several college courses and many job related seminars through the years. She was a partner with her sister, Clytee Benson in establishing the Benson-Duncan Insurance and Real Estate Agency which operated from 1955-1995. In 1978, she moved to the Gulf Coast and was employed by NASA, returning to Tupelo in 1983, employed as a Tax Fraud Investigative Aid with the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service until she retired in May of 1993. She was active in her community as a member of many clubs and organizations including, The Christian Women's Club, Beta Sigma Phi Sorority, Shepard Center, NARV, and was a charter member of the American Business Women's Association. She was a member of First Baptist Church since April 5, 1936, where she served as a choir member, Sunday School teacher, and was active in the Women’s Missionary Union and the senior adult ministry,
LLL.

Services will be 10 a.m. Saturday, January 14, 2012, at First Baptist Church with Rev. Chad Grayson, Rev. Dave Jensen, and Dr. Lou Zemek and officiating. Burial will be in Tupelo Memorial Park. W. E. Pegues Funeral Directors is in charge of the arrangements.

Survivors include her son, Lee Duncan (Zina) of Tupelo; her step-daughter, Jodi Town of Grain Valley, Mo.; a daughter-in-law, Sandi McMillan of Tupelo; one brother, Bubba Homan (Carolyn)
of Tupelo; a sister-in-law, Jean Homan of New Albany; six grandsons, Richard and Scott McMillan of Crossett, Ark., Tré, Shaun, and Chris Duncan (Angela), and Dustin King, all of Tupelo; eight great-grandchildren, Honey, Andrew, Amber, Courtney, and Valerie McMillan of Crossett, Ark., Alex and Shaun Michael Duncan of Wren and Sawyer Richey of Tupelo

She was preceded in death by her parents; her son, Bob (Duncan) McMillan; her step-mother, Mae Homan; three sisters, Clytee Benson, Jo Calloway and Louise Kirk; and a brother, Zeke
Homan

Pallbearers will be her grandsons, Chris Duncan and Dustin King; Dennis Gable, Pete Hastert, Tony Foster, and Gregg Johnson

Honorary Pallbearers will be Richard and Scott McMillan, Shaun Duncan, Dr. John Bowlin,
Stanley Stone, Jimmy Clifton, Tommy Lee Ivy, Butch Benson, Don Goldsberry, Wes Ratliff, and Dick Wiggers; and employees of the Crosstown Walgreens.

Visitation will be 5 to 8 p.m. Friday in the sanctuary of the First Baptist Church and will continue Saturday 9 a.m. until service time.

Memorials may be made to The Sanctuary Hospice House, PO Box 2177, Tupelo MS 38803.

Loss for words

The lord called home a special lady the other day and today at 10 am I get to say my finally good bye! She's much better off but the pain of losing her is still there! I guess ill look at as I gained another angel to watch over me! Times are hard but the lord never puts on us more than we can handle!
Friday Night I went to my friends house and ate supper played a few games of cards and then came home! I guess I needed that little break from reality! My life isn't as I've wanted it to be but its my life and im living It best I know how! I hope that things begin to look up once I get myself straightened out! Anger and more anger is Gonna be the death of me if I don't get help ASAP! A almost broken hand, a cut to my arm, a dent in my truck, and a brick wall that doesn't give! I've learned that I need help! So I've seeker out help and I begin counseling on next Tuesday! Hope she's ready! I am! The hand still hurts, the arm has healed, the dent is a painful reminder and the brick wall well its still smiling say I've hurt many and im still standing! I guess every time I look at it and the dent should remind me not to do it again! Ill never and I mean unless its just an absolutely an emergency will I ever go to Walmart in pontotoc or pontotoc lake! Those two places hold some memories that I hope one day will be erased out of this worthless mind of mine! The reminder as I drive by going to my Moms is bad enough! I might not ever eat subway from pontotoc either! It hurts to go in subway period cause one of the last times I was in there was with a girl that I fell in love with and hurt her badly in the end! But as those last time I saw her I told her that it might be the last and that was Friday before Christmas Eve! It was the last! I hope she's very happy and has found her a job and forfilling her dream! I hate that it ended way it did but I guess its for the best! Someone once told me that something's are better off gone than hanging around! Although I miss our random chats and our random problem solving but I guess she saw I wasn't good enough or I wasn't the one! A few days ago I was looking thru my phone and found a poem she wrote me and as I read it it brought tears to my eyes! I hope that if she reads this she'll know that I do miss her and I still have a love for her!
As my one chapter closes it hurts to see that I lost a great friend and one That I truly enjoyed talking too! But I guess she felt the need to walk away when it wasn't even my fault! Maybe im not the greatest friend that I truly thought I was! But I hope she's happy too and has a Great life! Its a sad start to a new year but maybe its for the best!
As my marriage was falling apart I truly figured out who would stand beside me and behind me and the ones that choose to turn their back on me! Not only friends but family too! It hurts but their loss is another persons gain! It will be a sad day when these people come crawling back to me when something goes wrong in their Life! I hope that they realize that im truly not a bad person! But as my pieces to my heart a slowly forming a heart again! Some may never be found! Every one that has ever said they loved me always seemed to find away to break my heart! I hope that maybe things will begin to look up and the suicidal thoughts will ne forever gone! And to the ones that chose to walk away When I needed you most consider this your final good bye! Cause in my heart and mind your dead!
Life's too short to be unhappy and I've been unhappy almost all my life its now that I start living like there's no tomorrow! Well blog its been good talking to ya! One things for sure you just listen and Never speak back!

My inspiration

This little boy knows how to make me smile, how to make my days brighter and how to make me laugh when all I wanna do is cry! But today he couldn't stop the tears when I saw that one of my beloved customers passed! It hurts so much to hear of her passing and me not being able to see her! I just don't understand sometimes but after I dried my eyes and realized that she's truly better off then I looked at the little boy that inspires me to get up! My Sweet little nephew Ian Emery Smith! Some photos of my sweet boy!

Tears, fears and last but not least emotional pain

Over the past few weeks, months and years I've lived hidden deep in a shell trying to hide from the world, hiding from the ones I loved the ones that loved me! Its been a long journey thru many heart breaks, lots of headaches and most of all a lot of tears! The pain of hiding has caused a lot of anger, emotional pain and tears! The anger I Think stems from not having a loving family growing up! Being pushed and shoved around so much that I didn't know where I was gonna sleep this weekend or who would be the one taking care of me! The temper I guess is part of me that's been pasted down from my parents and there parents! Its funny how we see ourselves in the way our parents acted as we was kids! I Thought I was one of the boys all my life! I wanted to be like my dad, I wanted to join the army, be a truck driver and all the manly things! I never played with dolls, if I did I lost her clothes or took her head and arms off! Just like a boy would! I felt attractions for women as a child I kissed my first girl at 8 and I knew then something was different about me! But I hid those feelings cause I was raised that was wrong! No matter how hard I tried growing up to be one of the girls it never worked, I was one of the boys! I played football, baseball with the boys! Didn't bother me to run, sweat and get muddy! At the age of 8 my dad begin to do things to me, like have me suck his dick, ride him and he'd finger me! He always told me its OK all dads do this to their little girls! I believed him cause I thought he was right! Then one day my ex stepmother caught him and instead of taking me out of his care she left me there! He continued on and my other ex stepmother caught him she never said a word either! I just thought it was normal! I never thru out my whole teenage and high school years never dated! I'd kiss a boy name Brad but nothing more! When I'd kiss him it didn't interest me! At 16 I had a female apporach me and one thing lead to another and I enjoyed it! It felt so right! From that point on I hid those feelings Cause I knew that it wasn't right! I went to college and tried again and the feelings of being with a female was overwhelming and I enjoyed it so much! Then I hid them again cause I didn't want my family knowing cause I thought it would kill my mom! Then in 2001 I got kicked out of my moms and I moved here to tupelo! I did the whole dating a Guy thing cause I didn't want my dad knowing! Me and him broke up and I turned to another female the feeling was still there! Then I decided it was truly just a phase I needed to truly focus on find Mr right! So I found Corey! He showed me that not all men where bad, he showed me love from a man I'd never had, showed my attention that I've always wanted! Then after we'd been married almost 5 yrs he started showing me less attention, less love and less compassion! Sex started being like OK im done Good night, so I went searching for a friend that truly was only gonna be a friend but ended up being a lover for 3 yrs! I finally told him I was in love with her and I wanted out of our marriage! I left with her he called me crying and begging me to come back I did! I made a promise that She was the last and I Feel he never believed me! His brother moved in soon after that and the passion that was once there left, the drive to wanna be with just him left, the lies he told about stupid things like dipping and looking at porn kept adding up! I caught him several times jacking off to porn on the computer! Caught him playing with himself to porn on TV! I told him over a YEAR ago I feel trapped iN my own house! Like im being watched like a hawk and if I move anything then im gonna get scolded by his brother! I asked him to make him go, he never did! I caught him looking again at porn finally I decided ya know what damn it im gonna look too! Pulled up an old ad I had moons ago and looked! Talked to a couple but nothing more! He found the ad on my computer and that lead him to a lawyer without asking me or nothing! But its OK for him to look at other women and Jack off to them fucking other men but its not OK for me to look for a friend with a benefits! I mean really! But then I guess that its just me! He tells me Dec 14 that he wants a divorce and I said well who goes and he said you do this is my house! I started packing all my stuff up And not one time did he cry! Did he beg me to stay! Not one time did he ask me to not go! So I leave, I come back later that evening and he says the locks will be changed tomorrow and I said why im not gonna come wipe you out! I drove over to the house at 10 am on Dec 15 the locks had been changed AND he stood in kitchen and said I needed assurance that I wasn't gonna wake up to you holding a gun at my head! I've never even Thought about that! Then it caused me so much pain and anger that I had a panic attack! He sat on couch and said its not the end of the damn world calm down all while I couldn't breathe and was gasping for air! Then I call my stepmother to come over to the house to Get me and She tells me she's sending my dad! Then he decided he best do something to try to help me! I literally Thought I Was dying and he was gonna watch me! No remorse what so ever! No love no compassion no nothing!  Just watched Me suffer! Then tells my dad that I just over reacted AND that he changed locks cause the lock broke! From Dec 15 I gave him the space, time he needed I didn't bother him I didn't text him! I just let it go! He asked me to meet him at Ford place to get oil changed and let's talk! We did I'd already made my mind up and he asked Me to let's please work on things! I told him get brody out of that house now! He never said one word to him! Dec 31 he tells him Jan 3 I get invited to house for supper and I get a sob story about his poor brother has no Where to go! I said 3 months and he best be gone! Then Jan 5 I hear that poor brody is taking Corey out to eat! It pissed Me off and I got mad!  Grabbed a knife but never pointed it at him actually put it up When I realized what I done! Then Jan 6 I moved back in I started getting mixed signals like him sleeping with Me AND cooking for me! Then I hear momma wants me to go to counseling Then its your decision whether or not I go then last night I hear I wanna another chance but im Not putting him on curb! Then he's looking for him as in brody an apartment! But told me I better find my own place to live! I don't know what im doing or Where im Headed but I know its killing Me! Im ready to die! Even prayed for God to take Me and cast me into Hell! Ugh! Confused and hurt!

Ugh

I guess times like this is when I just need to say to hell with life and give up. I don't know what I do wrong and why everyone thinks i'm doing stuff I ain't even done. I guess that at times I have been that person they think I am. But most of them don't know me that well. I guess you just got to take it with a grain of salt and just move on. Well, I hope that all is happy that I have decided that i'm done with this life. Tonight will be my last blog for ever. I never say good bye to anyone but i'm saying good bye to all.. Good bye all. Peace.

How stupid am I?

Just realized that im really stupid! I guess its better to admit your stupid than continue on down the same road not realizing it! But now That I know im stupid then I will try my best to move on and not let things get me down! I just don't understand at times! But as the saying somethings aren't ever understood!

My mind never let's me rest! Last Night I got drunk and it felt so good to get a little wasted and then come home! Today I feel like shit but that's the price you pay to play! But ill tell you this much I don't want any more vodka in a very long time! But thanks to a friend for showing me im better than the ones that hates me! Its better to have haters than have lovers! Peace