Forgot photos for last blog

Smoking turkey

Last night I put a whole turkey in a brine to rest all night! This am I stuffed it with a green apple, celery, fresh rosemary, onion and I brushed it with melted butter and thyme! I also prepared a beef roast wrapped in bacon with red pepper and brown sugar! My first time using the big smoker, I've smoked a few things on the grill but I'm in love with this thing! The roast had a nice smoke ring, the bacon was great! I let my friend Mary try it and she was blown away! Then I took my turkey off and it had the right amount of color, the right smoke flavor and the wing I tried was so juicy it was almost falling off the bone! While I was cooking Mary was dusting, mopping, and sweeping my house to make it smell better! 

She had her son with her and he played the wii then played in the hammock! We got a chance to talk and catch up on life! She's been the light I needed in my life! She came into my life at a dark time and she may never know It but she saved me! I was depressed, sad, lonely, lost and needed help! She helped me, she kept me sane! I can't thank her enough for the things she's done for me! I gave her something today that well it was mine at one time and I found it and gave it to her! I hope she wears it and remembers the day she came in my life! 

Photos above are the start to finish of my meat And a few of me and Mary being crazy and her son 

Longing?

Long time ago I blogged just about daily, then I just quit blogging then I started back! Tonight's post is longing? What are you longing for? What has you wanting more? What could make your day better? Is it a hug from someone special? Is it a phone call from the one you love, a text? Longing means wanting, hoping, wishing! So if you say I'm longing for the day I'm alone with that person that's captured my heart! I'm longing for the day that I'm alone with you! Alone with your body, mind and spirit! I'm longing for the little moments, the little things that mean nothing to no one but me! The way you smile, the way you laugh! It's all those little moments! One day when I least expected it you walked into my life and now I long for you! I wish to be with you, I hope to make you smile! I'm wanting you more and more! The little messages make my heart beat fast, the little phone calls make my heart beat fast! It's something that I had lost for a while! Like my life has gotten stagnant! I was just living, I wasn't smiling, I wasn't laughing I was just here! Since that day it's been all up hill except I miss those moments we had! But then moments like today while shopping a remark was made that made me think back as to why my life was stagnant! The remark brought back the reasons why I'm not happy at times and the reason why I stay depressed at times! But I thought of you and all the pissed offness went away! I looked back at some photos that made me smile even when I was ready to cry! I'm learning to live again! Learning to be happy again! And it makes others not trust me! It makes others accuse me of things! But the thing is that trust was broken and it's never been regained when it should of been! As I got home and sat down I looked at more photos and thought more about you and smiled so big! I watched our favorite football team whip the hell out of LSWho! It made my night that much more sweeter! Seeing you today briefly made me smile too! I was floating on cloud 10 because cloud 9 was taken! I jumped from cloud to cloud until I got knocked off briefly! When I hug you it's like a Fourth of July fireworks show going off! When we kiss it's like my world gets turned upside down! I get weak in the knees, my heart races, my mind wonders, my body longs for more! I'm falling deeply in love with you! It doesn't scare me that I am it excites me! I long for you! I ache for you, I want you, I love you! I love every inch of you, from the finest hair on your head to the bottom of your beautiful feet! The more I want you the more I hope that you want me the same! At times I think what if? What if I wasn't married would you be mine for ever? What if I wasn't disabled and can't do much would you be mine for ever? What if? It's a big statement and a bold statement! Longing for! What are you longing for? What are your hoping for? What are you wanting? What are you wishing for? You might never answer those questions, I can only hope, wish, want and long for you too! Hope to see you soon! Kiss you, hold you, hug you and be with you! 

Wow!!

Ever have that feeling that something so good could be happening right before your eyes? When I got a simple friends request on Facebook I didn't know the woman, but we had a mutual friend in common and we both was Ole Miss Fans! I stalked her page for a few days trying to figure out who she was like I do anyone that friend request me! I found a woman with 3 kids, a daughter and 2 sons! I sent her a private message and I asked her a couple of questions which I could tell she was a little scared but hell who wouldn't be! As days went on and time passed we finally met and a friendship emerged! A friendship that I cherish every minute of! It's amazing when your at your darkest moment God slips someone in your life and that person needed you too! We have so many things in common from our past hurts to some of the same likes and dislikes! I know that Corey wasn't gonna trust me because we became fast friends but I've not given him reason to distrust me so I think he knows! He said to me that as long as she's not trying to take me away from him then he's ok with it! It's nice to have that person you can talk to and spend a few mins with and they understand you! Thanking God for her! I've seen her blossom to a beautiful flower! I've laughed at her so much that I was hurting the other day!! But a day with laughter is better than a day with tears! Thank you Mary!

So much has gone on since my last blog i don't even know where to begin! I've realized that Suicide isn't an option and that living like on the wild side is fun! I also know that sometimes it takes a lot to be a good person! And I've learned that I'll be the last to know anything from my family! But it's ok I've been black sheep for so long that my black is gray! When I left my mothers home in August of 2001 I left there knowing id never go back only for holidays! I've stayed true to my word, I ain't been back but for holidays! Yes I still long for that love that she gives my brother and sister but i also know that I'll never get it! I still long for that day that she calls me and ask me to go out with her without my sister! I still long for that day that she tells me she loves me and actually means it! I may never see it! I've gotten to the point I've given up trying! I got blessed out from her over a photo that I posted and I told her then that if not call her she had to call me, I'd not drive down to see her she would have to drive to see me, and she even told me she'd never share anything else with me! That's fine because what happens in my life doesn't need to be spoken to anyone that doesn't give two shits about me! I've give her all I can give or all I will give! It hurts to know that the middle child sometimes gets the bad end of the deal! All my life all I wanted was love! All my life all I got was thrown away! So when your thrown away one to many times you finally learn your lesson! As i lay here with tears I my eyes and running down my cheek, I feel the need to just hope and pray that I see her in heaven! I hope that she's asked the Lord to forgive her! I hope that my father has done the same! May they both get the judgement that they deserve and I know I'm not living perfectly and I'm ready for my judgment! Life has its way of making you see the good in others, the bad in others, and the truth in others! But I'm going to bed with a smile because I know that someone loves me out there! Peace

Wow long time ago

Its been since the 21st of December last year that I've posted anything! A lot has happened since then! Christmas Eve we found out that we was getting a niece due in April! The new year came in and things was going great! April 9, 2015 my niece decided that she was gonna be a ballerina and wrap her cord around her neck and cause her heart rate to drop! So as I was sitting there in L&D room with Rhonda and Scott! I was overwhelmed with joy, worry, and trying to stay strong for them both! I paused for a min and prayed to God to take control, keep Elly Mae safe, keep Rhonda safe and give Scott the strength to hold on! The wheeled Rhonda out with Scott in tow!! Tears started rolling down my face, my heart stopped for a min! But I held it all together with Gods help! Pauline Rhonda's mom should up and then dad and carol showed up! I was doing my best to hold it all together! Then Scott came out with my beautiful niece! She was so precious! I wanted to just hug her and kiss her! We left out of waiting room and I lost it! I just hugged my husband as tight as I could! The nurse said her cord was wrapped 4 times around her neck! But momma and baby was great! Scott was excited and a proud poppa! Then my mom and heather showed up and they revealed her name! I'd called her Elly Mae in honor of Elly Mae clampett who died! Her name is Elizabeth Kathryn Palmertree born at 3:38pm April 9, 2015 19in long 7lbs 14oz she had big feet! And was beautiful! Attached are pictures from the past month!  

2014

Seems like yesterday 2014 was coming in and 2013 was going out! The days go by quicker it seems every year! I don't know why they seem that way now but they do! In a few days it'll be CHRISTmas day! Another day for some and for some it's a day to remember the reason for the season!! Christ! As my year ends looking back I've seen things, done things and regretted things! But one things for sure 2015 will be here before I know it! 2014 has scared me at times, made me laugh, cry and even wanna give up! I'm still here to tell my story and that's a great thing! Some days through out this year I've wanted nothing more than to lay down and tell all to fuck off! But I didn't! Now as the year closes I see that I'm proud im still here for one more year! Never has a year been so hard on me physically as this year has! I'm not sure I can take much more physical pain as I have this year! Here's to a better year physically and mentally! Hoping that the new year will give me new insight and a better out look on life!! Happy 2015!

Good enough

today it's hit me that I might not be good enough for anything anymore! Daily I struggle to find peace and understanding in how things are and how things should be!! Today while walking around the grocery store I realized that my life isn't the way I want it to be! I can't walk hardly without having to sit down! I can't even make it to bathroom with out peeing my clothes! I can't even love my husband without pain! No matter how hard I try the more I try the more I feel lost the more I feel like giving up!! The more I feel like saying fuck it! I know that I can't give up because too many want me to keep fighting but while I'm fighting are they cheering me on or trying to tell me to stop! I feel as if I've gone as far as I can go! My body is dead my soul is dying and my mind is wasting! I'll be gone soon don't cry then and don't cry now!